It hit me last summer, dilly-dallying with my friend Lauren. We’d both been navigating the anxious-avoidant loops of our attachment styles, circling around closeness, retreating, and coming back again. But it brought us to a moment of clarity: Vulnerability is the key to connection.
I’ve often been called a connector, with friends having pointed out how I seem to squeeze the unexpected juices out of people in a single conversation. I never thought much of it; I simply love people. I like cracking them up, seeing them soften, learning what shaped them, what scares them, what drives them — understanding their experience of this human life. A simple, but golden, curiosity.
But when I question — what’s at the core of that connection? The answer comes down to a single word: vulnerability.
what is emotional vulnerability?
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity” — Brené Brown
A limiting connotation is given to this word, that, in reality, encapsulates miracles. Vulnerability often gets mistaken for weakness. For overexposure, for fragility. And while those things somewhat apply, vulnerability is a portal — one that brings people together. It’s the willingness to show yourself: the messy, the uncertain, the tender. It’s choosing honesty over performance, and opening the door slightly for someone to walk in.
People all essentially have the same needs: to be loved, seen, and respected. But how can we expect to be seen if we show nothing about ourselves? How can we expect to be understood if we don’t communicate our needs?
Of course, your relationship with vulnerability is shaped by culture, experience, and upbringing. We all carry different baggage, but if one truth transcends it all, it’s that vulnerability requires courage — to dare greatly, as would say Brené. And societal tags amplify this, with men being told sharing makes them weak, and women having to seem perfect and mysterious all at once.
where vulnerability lives
In love
Think about it: in relationships, emotional vulnerability is the essence of intimacy. Physical intimacy is one thing, but what lies beneath it is vulnerability. The courage to strip yourself bare, to let your body and energy connect with someone, is, at its core, an act of vulnerability. Without it, we create disconnection. You’re not doing life with your partner, you’re doing it around them.
In therapy
What enables therapy to be effective? Vulnerability. Therapy doesn’t work unless we show up — and showing up means speaking up aloud the things we’d rather keep buried. Easier said than done — but it’s the entry point to healing. And, vulnerability is something you can cultivate (we’ll get there).
In conversation
What makes you walk out of a conversation feeling expanded, full — like you just took a breath of fresh air? It’s not small talk that did that. It’s openness. It’s the choice to say something a little risky, but a little more real.
why be vulnerable?
Tony Robbins calls it The Discipline of Absolute Courage and Vulnerability. Because without it, relationships stay flat, and stale.
It’s a key part of fostering intimacy, with true courage laying in surpassing the hurdles of fear of rejection and judgement. After all, you don’t want to be with someone who holds you to inhumane standards — who accepts the curated version of you.
The depth and richness vulnerability brings: the glimmer in your eyes when you talk about what drives you, the tears when you share something that once broke you, the nervous smile when you admit you like someone.
This is what makes you human — otherwise, magnetic.
So trust me when I say this: vulnerability is sexy. And so is authenticity. A Men’s Health article found that vulnerability increases desirability in dating. Why? Because when you’re genuine, you breed relatability (and with that, connection). By sharing mistakes, weaknesses, passions, insecurities — you show confidence and self-awareness. You show emotional intelligence.
It makes you human. And ultimately — being openly, messily human — is sexy.
the science
Research has found that strangers who engage in self-disclosure, sharing personal information with each other, feel significantly closer than those who stick to small talk, even after a single conversation. This emotional openness stimulates oxytocin, the bonding hormone, creating a feeling of trust and warmth.
Brené Brown says it best:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy.”
how to practice vulnerability (without oversharing)
- Try something new and uncomfortable. Do a hard workout. Go to a new class alone. Discomfort stretches the muscle of emotional risk.
- Make eye contact. A universal struggle!! Proof of how much we resist vulnerability. But connection is sparked here. Let yourself meet someone’s gaze, and hold it for three seconds (you don’t want to be staring). It says, I see you, I’m here — and signals confidence.
- Hold space for others to reciprocate. Vulnerability is a two-way street. When you open up, you make it safe for others to do the same. Practice active listening: nod, pause, say “I hear you.” You don’t need to fix anything, just be present.
- Journal. My one recommendation, always. Ask yourself:
- Left side of the page: Where do I struggle most to be vulnerable?
- Right side: What fear lives under that? How it true, or is it something I’ve internalized?
- Now ask: How can I soften that fear? And what could it allow in my relationships?
- Start small. You don’t need to spill your soul to a stranger. Share something small but scary with someone safe. See what happens, and let it grow from there.
- Observe yourself. When someone is open with you, what happens in your body? Does a wall fall? A breath release? Let yourself receive their truth. Let that be a model for how you give yours.
let’s bring this closer to you
Think about a space in your life where vulnerability feels blocked.
Where are you holding back — and what would it feel like to lean in, just a little?
What’s one act of vulnerability you could try today?
Maybe it’s texting someone first. Saying “I miss you.”
Setting a boundary. Asking for what you need.
remember
Vulnerability doesn’t make you less.
It makes you relatable, real, and remembered.
It’s not about oversharing. It’s about offering something true.
It’s not a weakness. It’s about planting roots — creating rich soil for your life and relationships to grow.
And what about being mysterious? You get to keep it. You can be vulnerable and still be mysterious.
Vulnerability isn’t about revealing everything — it’s about revealing something real. When you show someone a glimpse of your inner world — not the whole story, just a flash of truth — it draws them in. They sense a depth, honesty. A kind of aliveness beneath the surface. A humanity that goes beyond perfection and performance, something rooted in presence.
Mystery doesn’t disappear when you open up. It evolves.
It’s no longer about what you’re hiding — it’s about what you haven’t yet shared, and how brave it is that you’re sharing at all.
With love,
Marg
going deeper
I recommend checking out Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability. Her research and storytelling dive deep into why letting ourselves be seen is one of the bravest things we can do. Start with her TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability” or her book Daring Greatly.
& Tony Robbin’s 5 Disciplines of Love.
Leave a Reply